Chuck Norris Jokes: TOS Style
by freakyanimegal
Summary: 10. Chuck Norris has more hunnies than Zelos. 20. If Chuck Norris told Lloyd to join Cruxis, he would, he's not THAT stupid... Let's see if we can get to a hundred! :D
1. Chapter 1

**I was bored. Feel free to send me any if you think them up n.n**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

1. Contrary to popular belief, Origin did not create the Eternal Sword. Chuck Norris was just trying to get rid of his old butter knife.

2. Nothing can survive without mana. Except Chuck Norris, mana can't survive without Chuck Norris.

3. Chuck Norris' wings are bigger than Lloyd's.

4. Noishe can outrun the wind. However, he cannot outrun Chuck Norris.

5. Yggdrasill did not split the world in two with the Eternal Sword. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the planet.

6. The Kharlan War was not a fight between Tethe'alla and Sylvarant. It was a fight between Tethe'alla and Sylvarant combined versus Chuck Norris.

7. The only reason the war stopped was because Chuck Norris decided a thousand years was a good enough warm up. He then moved on to destroy cybertron.

8. Chuck Norris is the only one that has ever told Kratos to blame his fate.

9. If Chuck Norris were to roundhouse kick Lloyd in the head, it would reverse his brain damage and Lloyd would end up smarter than Raine, Genis, Yuan and Maxwell combined.

10. Chuck Norris has more hunnies than Zelos.

11. If Raine were on a boat with Chuck Norris, she would jump into the water.

12. Putting Kratos and Chuck Norris in the same room would create such an oversurge of badassness that Genis could enter the room and emerge as Kakashi Hatake. Lloyd would emerge as his father. Mithos would simply burst into flames.

13. Kvar once called Chuck Norris an 'inferior being'. This is the reason why Kvar no longer has eyes.

14. If an exsphere were attached to Chuck Norris, it would shatter. It could not handle being merged with such power.

15. If Chuck Norris was to eat Raine's cooking, the food would turn into haute cuisine in order to avoid incurring Chuck Norris' wrath.

16. Chuck Norris once looked at Regal and burst out laughing. Regal's muscles then deflated and left him a skinny looking wimp.

17. Chuck Norris can out-drink Dirk. Dwarves only wish they could handle liquor like Chuck Norris.

18. Abyssion once tried to fight Chuck Norris. Abyssion now uses an iron lung.

19. Sword Dancer, Living Armor and Abyssion (once recovered) all attempted to kill Chuck Norris as a team. There were no remains.

20. If Chuck Norris told Lloyd to join Cruxis, he would. He's not THAT stupid.

**n.n Part one, let's see if we can get to a hundred! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Fifty already! :D**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

21. Chuck Norris' coffee is hot AND cold.

22. Aionis is not an ore. It is the solidified sweat of Chuck Norris.

23. Exire does not float because of Maxwell. It is too scared to stay on the ground because it fears meeting Chuck Norris.

24. Balacruft was destroyed by Cruxis, but not by the angels. Yggdrasill asked Chuck Norris to wipe out the civilization, he was in a good mood so agreed.

25. Colette trips in mid-air…why? Because Chuck Norris wills it.

26. Sheena didn't actually fire the summon spirits' mana at the tree. She fired Chuck Norris.

27. There is always another way. Unless Chuck Norris is in it. Then you're screwed.

28. Chuck Norris once patted a child on the back. That child grew up to be Kratos Aurion.

29. Chuck Norris actually has two children: Kratos Aurion and Darth Vader. Each of them inherited about a fourth of Chuck Norris' awesomeness.

30. Lloyd, Luke and Leia, quite obviously, only inherited a fourth of theirs.

31. Kratos changed his last name to 'Aurion' because he did not want people to run at the sight of him. It didn't work.

32. Humans must have permission from the king to enter Heimdal. Chuck Norris just walks in, the elves know better.

33. When Lloyd encounters Chuck Norris, he immediately gives his name. His usual phrase would earn him a roundhouse kick.

34. When Chuck Norris tells Colette to stop saying sorry. She stops. Plain and simple.

35. Chuck Norris is 'The ominous light that threatens to engulf' you.

36. When in the presence of Chuck Norris, Tenebrae shuts up.

_**High Priest of Ducky**_

37. If Kratos and Chuck Norris were to fight, the world would implode from the sheer sexiness overload.

_**Tiger002**_

38. Chuck Norris once made Presea show emotion.

39. The real reason Regal doesn't fight with his hands, is because he keeps trying to perfect the Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

_**DragonShaun9**_

40. Celsius created Celsius' tear to try to freeze Chuck Norris. It didn't work

41. Chuck Norris' favorite meal is dragon knight...he catches it himself.

42. Rodyle once laughed at Chuck Norris. His cloak hides the damage.

43. Presea moving the sacred wood is a ritual started by Chuck Norris. Except he used the whole forest.

44. Chuck Norris uses the sand worm as dental floss.

45. The Tower of Salvation fell because Chuck Norris sneezed.

46. Chuck Norris once used Yggdrasill as a toothpick. Yggdrasill thanked him.

47. Gnome and Chuck Norris once saw who could make a better earthquake. Gnome lost.

48. Wing packs cannot contain Chuck Norris.

_**ShadowVDP**_

49. If Yuan saw Chuck Norris, he would cut off his own ponytail to look more like him.

_**Digital Dimension**_

50. If Ratatosk tried to hit Chuck Norris with Ein Soph Aur, it would reflect off his muscles and fly back at 5 times the speed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Let's keep this up! :D**

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing**

51. Kratos was wrong. Chuck Norris is capable of fueling the fire needed to melt Aionis.

52. When Zelos stated that he 'Sides with the strongest', he was actually referring to Chuck Norris. He didn't specify because he's a loyalty-whore.

53. Much to Regal's dismay, he is NOT the 'Epitome of Sin'. Chuck Norris is the epitome of everything.

54. Chuck Norris has no need for the sorcerer's ring. When he walks into a dungeon it solves itself.

55. When Sheena summons 'The Ruler of All', she is risking waking Chuck Norris from his nap

56. Magnius was nothing more than an unusually large crap Chuck Norris took.

57. Chuck Norris is the one who tore apart Shadow. He owed him a dollar.

58. Chuck Norris is the only one who can ACTUALLY fail at making a sandwich. He can do anything if he chooses too.

59. Chuck Norris can use free-run in Tales of Symphonia. He cares not for programming.

60. Chuck Norris knows perfectly well what a 'quick-jump' is.

61. Mainly being because Chuck Norris is the one who MAKES 'quick jumps'.

62. And makes everyone not notice them.

63. Lloyd is an exception because Chuck Norris finds it amusing to freak him out.

64. Yuan's cape is actually a security blanket he carries everywhere in order to curl up in in the event he encounters Chuck Norris.

65. In a fight between Kratos Aurion and Yuan Ka-Fai, Chuck Norris would win.

66. Presea can bench press a boulder, Chuck Norris can bench press the Fooji Mountains.

67. There are actually three main aspects of existence: Space, time and Chuck Norris. Origin has no power over Chuck Norris.

68. The Wonder Chef doesn't disguise himself so you can find him. He's trying to hide from Chuck Norris.

69. Chuck Norris doesn't need a pact with Volt to make his rheaird work.

70. Chuck Norris is the one that holds the Ginnungagap closed. Ratatosk is just his gofer.

71. Chuck Norris can call ruins 'junk' and Raine doesn't say a word.

72. Chuck Norris does not get petrified by cockatrices. Cockatrices get petrified by him.

_**Zex**_

73. If Chuck Norris was ever used to power a Cruxis Crystal, the resulting Gem could end the universe in the wrong hands. Lucky for us, Chuck Norris would never allow that.

74. The flow of mana doesn't switch between worlds when the Journey of Regeneration finishes, it happens when Chuck Norris tells it to.

75. Nebilim is a Demon Lord who created the Devils Arms and almost took over the world, his power is beyond Abyssion, Living Armor, Sword Dancer, or Yggdrasill's Second form...but the real reason he is so feared is this Demon fought Chuck Norris for more than 20 seconds AND lived. No one else has lasted that long.

_**Ainrhyr **_

76. Martel never died. She actually encased herself in the Great Seed in an attempt to hide from Chuck Norris. Mildly impressed, Chuck Norris pretended not to find her for 4000 years.

77. Presea hides her emotions in an attempt to act as badass as Chuck Norris.

78. An Aurion Glare will make you piss your pants. A Chuck Norris Glare will make your pants piss themselves. It may also set you on fire. Nobody really knows, since nobody has survived a Chuck Norris Glare.

_**The Light Hidden in the Shadow**_

79. Lloyd and Collette didn't really revive the Great Seed with the Eternal Sword; Chuck Norris willed it so; he would've gotten bored if there was no one to roundhouse kick.

_**Dragon Shaun 9**_

80. Mithos failed to possess Chuck Norris. He wasn't awesome enough.

81. Chuck Norris makes Zelos cry like a little girl.

82. Chuck Norris told Lloyd he was an idiot. Lloyd started studying.

83. Chuck Norris called Kratos an idiot. Kratos asked to borrow Lloyd's textbook.

84. Colette gets a nosebleed seeing Chuck Norris work out

85. Yggdrasill gets a nosebleed seeing Chuck Norris work out

86. Chuck Norris can summon spirits at will when bored.

87. Regal gave up fighting because Chuck Norris makes him look like Genis.

_**Skedaddle-San**_

88. Chuck Norris shoots lasers of his nose. Lloyd is jealous.

_**Scorch The Hedgehog**_

89. While walking through the forest, Forcystus bumped into Chuck Norris. Now he's missing an arm and an eye. He was actually lucky. Chuck Norris was in a good mood that day.

_**Lupanari**_

90. The elves were only on Derris Kharlan because they were trying to run away from Chuck Norris. It didn't work.

91. The power of all the summon spirits combined could not compare to Chuck Norris' might.

92. Centurion Cores can drive normal people mad without Ratatosk's protection. Chuck Norris doesn't need such protection. The cores are the ones who would need it.

_**jimmyDANj2**_

93. Richter's phrase 'Courage is the magic that turns dreams into reality' originated because he met Chuck Norris. He had the 'courage' to get within a 9 meter radius of Chuck Norris. His 'dream' was to try and not collapse from being exposed to too much awesomeness. It was turned into 'reality' when he successfully accomplished his task. Since he imploded instead.

_**Sixth Seraph**_

94. The reason living armor is in the Niflheim book is so he can hide from Chuck Norris.

95. When Chuck Norris goes to niflheim he is automatically sent to the bottom level, the monsters of the other levels are too afraid.

_**SheenaFox**_

96. Yggdrasil has long hair because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the head.

97. Yggdrasil is doomed to wear spandex forever because Chuck Norris took away his masculinity.

98. Forcystus lost his arm and eye to Chuck Norris in a fight. And Chuck Norris was being very generous.

_**BounTentouTaichou**_

99. Derris Kharlan didn't drift away due to the eternal sword no longer being the link, it was because Chuck Norris blew at Derris Kharlan. (like a bubble...)

_**ShadowVDP**_

100. Chuck Norris INVENTED all the mystic artes.

_**AND FOR ONE OH ONE…! :**_

101. If Chuck Norris and Emil Castagnier were to come in contact, the resulting collision of the forces of supreme badassness and supreme pussyassness would create a rip in the space-time continuum, churning the world into senseless chaos, obliterating the sun and effectively destroying existence. …But NOT CHUCK NORRIS.

**WOOO! n.n MAN THIS WAS FUN! :D**


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